Hey Joe

Things I think about

During the old wagon train days, where did people go to the bathroom?

Let me paint the picture. You've got a train of say 50 wagons, and let's say they're moving along at a pretty good clip. Maybe they've been traversing some rocky terrain and the trail just opened up onto a nice, flat, open meadow and they're really making good time. Suddenly, Jebediah Proctor decides he needs to take a shit. Does the entire wagon train need to stop and wait for Jeb to take a squat? Do they call for a shit break and allow everyone to take advantage of the pit stop? What if they just came off a shit break like 15-minutes ago, but Jeb's innards weren't speaking to him then? I can't imagine the entire wagon train would grind to a halt every time someone needs to take a shit.

They way I have it figured, the last wagon in the train was likely the designated shitter. If someone had to releive themselves they'd simply walk down to the end of the "train," hop into the last wagon and unload, thereby not causing any unnecessary delays. 

Jesus but that wagon must have been pretty disgusting by the time they got to California.

Anyway, this is one of the things I think about.

Harry Crews

Harry Crews died. How did I know know this? And he died nearly a year ago: March 28, 2012.

I loved Harry Crews and his twisted tales of side-show freaks, love and debauchery. Feast of Snakes, The Knockout Artist, Scar Lover. All great books. And he was a direct influence on Larry Brown, another awesome writer who passed too soon.

If you've never read any Harry Crews, check him out. Larry Brown too, for that matter. And Donald Ray Pollock, who's book "Knockemstiff" I am currently enjoying. Read more, people. Less Facebook. Less TV. More books. You'll thank me.

R.I.P. Bonnie Franklin

Today I received a 1-2 punch of blogging inspiration; Bonnie Franklin croaked and Cookiebitch actually blogged today for the first time in literally two years. I think it actually might be two years to the DAY!

Remember when we all used to blog? Oh, for those fun-filled days of yore.

But who cares about Cookie and blogging!? Bonnie Franklin is dead! Bonnie "Ann Romano" Franklin star of that 1970's jewel, One Day at a Time. The jewel that contained junkie, daddy-bonker, Mackenzie Phillips, and  pre-pubescent-wet-dream-inspirator, Valerie Bertinelli.

Franklin was the first television character that shared my name, and it was always so cool to hear it spoken in Prime Time! Remember Schneider? "Ms. Romano." Awesome!

Anyway she's dead and that sucks. Franklin died today at the age of 69, the victim of pancreatic cancer. Frickin' cancer. I wish cancer would get cancer.

Jello 1-2-3

Recently I received a comment from reader Lori Epstein on my Spoon Candy post.

Lori said: "I thought it had three layers though, not just two..or am I thinking of something else?"

Yes Lori, you are thinking of something else; namely Jello 1-2-3!

Jello 1-2-3 was a luscious gelatin dessert that "separated into three distinct layers: a creamy top, a mousse-like middle, and plain Jello bottom."

According to my research, Jello 1-2-3 was first introduced in 1969 and discontinued in 1996, however I question its availability in all regions of these here United States. I remember my mother making this back in the 70's but then never being able to find it again.

"When are you going to make more of that yummy three-layered Jello?" I'd whine.

"I can't find it anymore. I guess they stopped making it," mom answered.

"Rat farts!"

Yeah, so I think it was discontinued in Northern California long before it was yanked from other parts of this great land of ours.

I totally recall scraping off the creamy top layer (it was actually had more of a creamy/foamy consistency) as if I was shaving my dessert, (Yes, I realize that sounds sort of dirty. Deal with it.) before thrusting deeper into the mousse-like, gelatinous regions below.

So no Spoon Candy and no Jello 1-2-3. What are they going to discontinue next, Freakies Cereal?

 

 

 

Hello Readers

For whatever reason I felt the urge to post a post to this blog.

It's Christmas day, 2012 at 9:35 PM. Lisa and I are currently enjoying our second glass of Sambuca and watching Scrooge. The kids have retired to their rooms with their computers and potato chips, their XBoxes and their next door neighbor buddies.

Last night we attended the 5:30 mass at St. Bon's where the girl sang in the choir. Afterwards we dined with my folks and my older sister and her fam. When we got home Lisa wrapped the rest of the gifts and I complained about the hour and that I was tired and wanted to sleep. Instead I stayed up with her until nearly 2 AM cleaning up the house so as to wake up to a clean home on Christmas morning.

Up by 10, enjoyed family time with presents and then an actual family breakfast at the table. We went to the in-laws around 3 where we ate, drank and ate some more, coming home around 8:30. Slipped into something more comfortable, popped Scrooge in the VCR (yes, I know), poured some Sambuca and that brings us to now.

Hope your Christmases were happy and full of many blessings. 

9:52 PM. I just realized why I felt like posting. I'm drunk. Mystery solved. Carry on. Merry Christmas.

PeeChee

I make less than 200K per year. I only rate a PeeChee folder full of women. :(

Breathe Stupid, BREATHE!

Oh joy of joys, I've been diagnosed with sleep apnea!

Several weeks ago I got to sleep with this thing on my hand.

If that wasn't hard enough, last night I had the pleasure of being this guy.

Surprisingly though I was actually able to sleep OK despite this contraption. Granted, it was a little tough to actually fall asleep, but once out I actually slept. And I feel OK today, like maybe I actually got some good REM sleep (I tried to come up with a lame REM "the band" joke but gave it up. You're welcome).

According to my sleep test I tested at the low end of moderate sleep apnea. Yet another test on which I'm at the low end, but I digress. So the breathing apparatus is supposed to allow a steady flow of air so when your brain shuts off and forgets to breathe the contraption forces air in which kick-starts your brain to wake up and say, "Oh yeah. Air good."

So anyway, as much as I look forward to some of this "real sleep" I've heard so dang much about, the idea of having to where this farking strap-on every night sort of runs contrary to my otherwise studly image.

So ladies, if you happen to have a wee bit o' freak for Bane, line forms on the left.

Out of the Gutter

 

The fine folks over at Out of the Gutter Online recently published my short story, The Bellhop. It's my first attempt at children's literature so I hope you enjoy it.

Actually, as most of you have probably already read The Bellhop, I guess it's not really new or exciting to you, but from the writer's standpoint it's always exciting to get published, so indulge me.

USA! USA!

Just this once I will not be writing about myself. Please note the date and time. And by the way, you're welcome.

At 7-something this morning (PST),Kristian Ipsen, local Clayton boy and good family friend, scored the bronze medal in the men's synchronized 3m springboard diving competition at the 2012 Olympics.

Kristian, may I just say, on behalf of the town of Clayton, nay on behalf of this entire great nation of ours, that we are very proud of your accomplishment. You've done an outstanding job representing your fellow Americans and we thank you for your efforts. As I've told you before, you've kicked more ass in 19 years than most of us will kick in a lifetime, and you should be very proud of yourself. Never mind that you make me some of us so many others look like complete losers, but that's a conversation for another day. Congratulations again and enjoy the celebrations!

R.I.P. Andy

Andy Griffith

1926 - 2012

 

Andy Griffith died today at the age of 86.

I didn't want to write this post because, frankly, I've grown a little tired of chronicling the demise of celebrities. But there's no way that I could let the passing of someone I've dug as much as Andy Griffith go without comment.

In short, The Andy Griffith Show was, is and will continue to be, one of the funniest, best television shows ever made. It was wholesome and yet still managed to be funny, something that today's television seems unable to accomplish. The awesomeness of the show clearly was the result of the pairing of Andy and Don Knotts, who played Griffith's inept deputy, Barney Fife. Knotts was sheer comic genius, and great fodder for Andy's more serious Sheriff Taylor. 

The Andy Griffith show ran from 1960 to 1968 and was ranked the ninth best show in television history by TV Guide. Despite it's consistently high ratings, the show never won any awards, though Knotts did win several emmy's for his portrayal of Fife.

Now if you want to see another side to Andy Griffith, might I suggest you check out A Face in the Crowd. Griffith does a rather creepy turn as Larry "Lonesome" Rhodes, a drunk hick who catapults to fame when he is sprung from the hoosegow to sing on a radio program. As his fame and ego rise, his moral standards plummet. Joe Bob says, check it out.

Anyway, Godspeed to Andy. May he find rest at that eternal Mayberry in the sky.